Digest: Original Sin

So today was largely without incident, though Heidi's propensities to wake up early and to be scared of thunder and lightening were both evident early on in the day.

There will be cooking in our lives, and love! Salads galore! But what does one make for Breakfast at Wimbledon? The answer can apparently be found whatscookingamerica.net. How sweet it is. There was also a long discussion about parking permits, which centered not only around Chicago's desire to screw its own residents out of not only a place to smoke, but a place to park one's car as well. Because once you can't smoke in bars, you'll have to smoke in cars, kids. It's a fact, Jack. Rhyming sucks. No more of that.

Nothing too new on the TomKat front, though apparently she signed some kind of multi-million dollar 5 year deal. I wonder if she'll be traded for a couple of first round draft picks, because Cruise could certainly use some height in the post, and he likes to kiss men, not women. Bennifer got married and admitted that the Ennifer part of it was knocked up. Cool for them. Thanks for ruining my favorite show, you Ben Affleck kissing fool. Venus beat Sharapova in straight sets.

Much loves, yos. Catch you tomorrow.

westward

by H.A.N. Thompson

The river is too deep to ford. You lose:
2 wagon tongues
70 pounds of food
2 oxen
margo (drowned)
melanie (drowned)
ann marie (drowned)

anna, jon and I will just have to soldier on!

Definitions

middling (adj.)
1. Of medium size, position, or quality.
2. Mediocre. See Synonyms at average.

self-involved (adj.)
1. Absorbed primarily or only in one's own interests or activities.

platitude (n.)
1. A trite or banal remark or statement, especially one expressed as if it were original or significant. See Synonyms at cliché.
2. Lack of originality; triteness.

The Origin Story

by A.M. Lonsdale

On a hotter night in June of 2005, while sitting about drinking at the Happy Village’s lovely outdoor garden, growing dinosaur sponges in the remnants of ice water and gin and tonics, an idea was conceived of liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, and that all books sound like a good idea while you are suffering form heatstroke.

This book project is dedicated to all those persons, and they know who they are, who take no joy in the triumphs and failures of the authors. Furthermore, this book will change their lives.

The Rules:
1. Don’t just spell check; ask a friend or loved one to read over your work.
2. There will be little to no discussion of the following: Jeff Greggs, babies, competitive calorie counting, work, Heidi Coleman, and haterating.
3. This book will surely contain references to the following: Lindsay “The Blowhan” Lohan, TomKat, Wonkette/Rick Santorum, homosexuality, Scrabble; celebrity sightings of any and all kinds; compulsive shopping, Potluck, foreign films, cheese, the Clinton Presidency, The O.C., Beirut and/or Conflict Diamonds, the Boston Red Sox, and probably theater.
4. None of the people working on the book should have to go to jail to protect a source.
5. This book will be neither pictorial nor historical in nature. It may, however, take place in South Dakota.
6. Don’t have sex with out interns. Our parents aren’t those kinds of lawyers.
7. Plagiarism is not advised. What with the internet these days, you can’t be too careful.

Other Suggestions:
As the title suggest, everything about this book will be half-assed. Except its inherent genius, which will transform the modern world. JK, JK. Well, you know. Think of it thematically, conceptually, whateverally. This is a mixture of fiction and fact, a combination of memoir and wishful thinking and a distinct chance to employ our University of Chicago educations to their intended use: not photocopying.

The book might follow the basic “plot structure” of Dave Eggars’ A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Therefore, reading the book while not drunk and in college might be a good idea. There are many funny formatting, structural, and emotional points that will serve our work immensely. For example, Eggars’ work includes a “List of Ways to Enjoy this Book,” which is witty and a fresh way to introduce our concept, such as it is. Alternately, Eggars’ own description of his time auditioning, and ultimately not being cast, in the MTV show The Real World San Francisco, would be another fun thing to appropriate in one way for another. Think of this as a guideline or possibly as a touchstone., like the story of Odysseus was a guideline, though far from a stylistic burden, for Joyce’s Ulysses. For this reason, the first edition of ‘Middling Work’ will be published in French.

The book will ultimately find its inspiration from the daily emails of our list. Unfortunate as our circumstances may be, the list provides a forum for the sharing of ideas, humor, newsworthy events, obsessions, and moral support (when not discussing ex-boyfriends and mundane jobs). Because of the rapid response nature of the list, the book will possibly require us to trove deeper into our own intellects to make things make sense. I would, however, posit that a list of news items about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise would be a perfect addition to a chapter on love, commitment or religion.

This book will, as a reflection of our own lives, have an obvious liberal media bias. Please plan all career advancement opportunities at Fox, NPR or PBS accordingly.

Obviously, issues such as publicity and corporate sponsorship are in the works. If you know someone who owns something, tell them to sponsor us. It’s like having a cycling team, but without drug tests or international competition or bikes.

A word of advice: the publishing industry is dying. They need us more than we need them. This is like a revolution, only way less effort.